ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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