I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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