my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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