I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
