We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
