Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
