my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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