I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
