I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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