I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
