did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
