My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
