I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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