Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
