I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
