Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
