Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
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