grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
