Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
