you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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