Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
