stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
