I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
