yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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