you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
