Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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