It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
