He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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