listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
