I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
