I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize