Umm I'm too high to move.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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