she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
