Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
