overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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