Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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