the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
