End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it's great music for shaving your balls
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
