yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize