i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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