omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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