Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
