If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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