if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
