bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
