mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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