I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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