well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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