I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
