How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
