from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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