Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
