I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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