You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
