3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
