i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
