Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
