I hate all girls vehemently.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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